This is what came to my mind today.
It may be a lifelong battle
But Christ has the victory
And I have victory in Christ!
It is a battle but it has been won! And it can be won everyday!
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 5:12, ESV)
The best thing for me is put past mistakes behind, and strain forward. I want to know the power of His gospel more and more, what this looks like in our lives as well as in the lives of the people in Isaan. Focusing my attention on the past leaves me idle, not living the abundant life, and unhappy!
"...But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,
I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. (Philippians 3:13-15, ESV)
Thank you to all my sisters in Christ who provided any of these things- encouragement, personal stories, scripture and prayer. THIS is my struggle, and it has been ongoing, I welcome your prayers any time I might come to your mind. And I would love to pray for you, just let me know how!
-Jenn
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Forgetting what is behind
"...But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind
and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.
Only let us hold true to what we have attained.
Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us." (Philippians 3:13-17, ESV)
and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.
Only let us hold true to what we have attained.
Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us." (Philippians 3:13-17, ESV)
Monday, September 2, 2013
First month - struggling in Thailand
These last couples days in Thailand
I’ve been struggling. Struggling to be happy. Letting old fears creep in my
heart and mind again. I have not been a fun person to live with. Finding myself
crying, thinking, “why I am at this place again?” Jason has been a pretty steady stream like
usual.
We are busy, very busy. The week is
busier than I thought. One of my friends
who has been here awhile (Kate) had said that you are just more tired here. And
that is true! I can never take naps in
the afternoon, and I have actually taken a few here with Moriah. NOT normal for me!
Heat. New language. New culture. New
everything. New budget, new income, new insurance, new bank, medical worries,
have to transfer money back to the US every month, immunizations. More
immunizations. Safety worries. New currency. New church (can’t understand much)
and one of us has to watch Moriah for the majority of the service (kids all go
outside, this is normal). New ways to submit medical claims (very tricky so
far). Need to buy a printer, but no car,
when can a friend take us to get one? In these early days, it takes a lot of
time to figure out everything. And I am a planner, and I like having things figured
out. I have the advantage of already
knowing some Thai, so I haven’t studied as much and I am still ahead in my
module. Different parenting methods here
– trying to be sensitive to the culture around but sticking to our guns as far
as disciplining Moriah. At the same time feeling like I don’t spend enough time
with her and not knowing how to do fun things with her. I have worked out twice
in Thailand, yikes! Lopburi is a lot different than Sisaket Province in Isaan,
where I was at before. I was used to rice field after rice field, being rural
in the country. Only going in to the
city once a week for email. Now we are
living in the city, with no rice fields, and with a ton of modern amenities! As convenient and nice as this is, sometimes
it feels like a different Thailand than what I knew before. And I've come with
a family this time vs. as a single, it feels very different. With all
this going on, I’m wondering when can I get out to practice language with Thai
people other than ordering food? There’s no time left over! I know it won’t be this way forever, but at
this moment, all the newness is stressful.
God has placed some girls/women (I
guess we are women now, but that term still sounds old) in my life through the
years that have just shown me God’s love. They are so filled with His love that
it’s easy to see His love in them. I
always think of these girls when I am acting this way, when I am acting
cold. Yet I know God made me, me. With a
different personality, tendencies, struggles.
I praise Him for the examples He’s given me though too because they are
such refreshers to me! So I’ve thought about these women today, talking to God
about how I want to be like them in their joy. I’ve been blessed beyond measure
with friends like these.
I have been so encouraged by a book
that was given to Moriah. It is called “The Jesus Storybook.” Basically it tells stories from the Old
Testament all the way to Paul. It shows
how even the OT stories are parallels to what Jesus would do. It’s been amazing for me to read. I’ve
learned not only OT stories (which I really didn’t know well before) but I’ve
seen how God has worked out his “Secret Rescue Plan” as the book calls it from
the beginning of time to now.
We walked around the “monkey temple”
today in Lopburi. People could offer
things to Buddha (I think it was Buddha) at the temple. I’ve seen in restaurants different idols up
on the shelves. I think to myself, “How
confusing! So many different gods to please, I just have 1 !” And it makes me think about God, how He
created the world, His plan for the world, His love for us. This is the God I want them to know, not some
idols that you can manipulate with your offerings.
Flipped to this today:
“Now may our Lord
Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal
comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in
every good work and word…But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and
guard you against the evil one…May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of
God and to the steadfastness of Christ.” (2 Thess 2:16-17 and 3:3, 3:5 ESV).
For years I have known that Satan
has tried to use fear to hinder me from moving forward. To sharing the joy I have in Him. To having a
mind at peace. This has caused serious setbacks for me in the past (and
now). I have an extremely guilty
conscience, so I can have a ton of anxiety over little things. As much as I hate this part of me, I see the
positive side of it to. That God would
say to me, “Trust me” and not trust in myself for righteousness. To be reminded that again, Jesus IS enough
and He is my righteousness.
Will you pray for me? That my mind can agree with Jesus who is
living in my spirit that HE is enough? To get over what is not important and
not dwell on any mistake of the past?
I recently heard a message that was
urging people to get over themselves and start living for Him. I agreed with the message somewhat. But I
realize, we NEED each other. We need the body of believers praying for us. And
WE NEED HIM to continue to rescue us from ourselves, from the lies that the
enemy is telling us. I believe He is fighting on my behalf, and for all of us.
My mind if often in need of rescue, will you please pray for me? He is
faithful.
“But
the Lord is faithful. He will establish
you and guard you against the evil one.” (2 Thess 3:3, ESV)
Saturday, August 10, 2013
We are HERE in Thailand!
We are finally here. WOW.
It doesn't really feel like the time to blog. There is nothing pressing on my heart to write. But then again, I think I need to record my first sentiments being a missionary family.
Before I begin, I have to say that I feel like God is doing some kind of mini-revival in my heart. We have spent the last month with missionaries, hearing their stories of God's faithfulness. So I think my heart has been revived as far as mission in general, in prayer and time in the Word (not as obligation, but of movement in my heart). There is a revival to pray for neighbors, to study the Word and learn language so that I can communicate His message. It's an exciting time.
First week as a family in Thailand
We arrived here about a week ago. After about 3.5 weeks in Singapore at OMF's IHQ (International Headquarters), we flew in to Bangkok. We stayed in the OMF Bangkok Guest home and it was a great time. I remembered the IMB's guest home in Bangkok and it was located more in the city. OMF's home is outside the city in a regular neighborhood. That was quite different from what I expected. The home was quiet though, with a workout room and enclosed play area. It will be a great getaway place for us in the future.
Now we are in Lopburi where we will do our language/cultural studies. We were in the city of Lopburi in the Lopburi Province. It feels like a "big city" especially since all we have at the time being is bikes for transportation! I have not figured out how to use the song taows yet (public transportation). I think my first night in Lopburi was challenging for me. I think I was disappointed with the home that we were placed in (I was comparing with another friend's house - comparison can be such an ugly thing). NOW, however, I am loving the house. It feels very clean, which is very important to me. The house is tricky in some ways. It is like a town house, very skinny but 3 floors high. The stairs are scary for small kids. We set up a room for Moriah but it is more of a play room, she will sleep in our room. Being new in a country and then being on different levels of a house with bad stairs (she could easily fall through them and it could be fatal) is just not a good idea. However, the aircon in her room is not working, so we might switch her rooms. The only other time I felt overwhelmed was after shopping at Big C, it's like a big Walmart. The day before we had been gone from probably 9am to 9pm and I was so tired. So shopping was tiring. The next morning after shopping we had to be at Shiloh (headquarters for OMF Lopburi / daycare center) by 7:45 in the morning. Jason and I were exhausted! I was very grouchy.
Now it's Saturday afternoon. We had more orientation this morning (Saturday and Sunday are considered work days for us, Monday is our day off). Our first week here we are allowed to skip out on church. This will be good for us so we can catch up on some sleep. So I am excited to get everything out of the suitcase (one more to go- my suitcase!) and tidied up. We also want to figure out our way around Lopburi . The driving is so crazy so it is a little scary riding around with Moriah on the back of Jason's bike!
I've remembered a lot of my Thai. Our Thai friend Nam told me that I speak chat (clearly) so that is encouraging because I did not learn Thai by studying the tones. I learned only to speak in Isaan but I learned by mimicking how they said the word. Now I will be learning the language formally with the tones.
We are so blessed to be here. Our leaders here, Rene and Susanna (Swiss couple) are amazing and have helped us out with so much. We have so much support here, that is very important! I feel that OMF is very very good at supporting their members. This feels so essential as it's our first term together as a family in Thailand.
I feel like there is still so much more to do, but I am trying to go one day at a time. I used to get very very overwhelmed by each day's tasks. I've let a lot of this go, but still have the tendency to want to do EVERYTHING and not enjoy each day as it comes and enjoy the people in it. So I just have to trust that little by little, all will get done. God is so good at teaching us to rest in Him and to let go of the small things. It's just laundry. It's just updating records. It's just email. It will get done in time.
Love in Christ,
Jenn
It doesn't really feel like the time to blog. There is nothing pressing on my heart to write. But then again, I think I need to record my first sentiments being a missionary family.
Before I begin, I have to say that I feel like God is doing some kind of mini-revival in my heart. We have spent the last month with missionaries, hearing their stories of God's faithfulness. So I think my heart has been revived as far as mission in general, in prayer and time in the Word (not as obligation, but of movement in my heart). There is a revival to pray for neighbors, to study the Word and learn language so that I can communicate His message. It's an exciting time.
First week as a family in Thailand
We arrived here about a week ago. After about 3.5 weeks in Singapore at OMF's IHQ (International Headquarters), we flew in to Bangkok. We stayed in the OMF Bangkok Guest home and it was a great time. I remembered the IMB's guest home in Bangkok and it was located more in the city. OMF's home is outside the city in a regular neighborhood. That was quite different from what I expected. The home was quiet though, with a workout room and enclosed play area. It will be a great getaway place for us in the future.
Now we are in Lopburi where we will do our language/cultural studies. We were in the city of Lopburi in the Lopburi Province. It feels like a "big city" especially since all we have at the time being is bikes for transportation! I have not figured out how to use the song taows yet (public transportation). I think my first night in Lopburi was challenging for me. I think I was disappointed with the home that we were placed in (I was comparing with another friend's house - comparison can be such an ugly thing). NOW, however, I am loving the house. It feels very clean, which is very important to me. The house is tricky in some ways. It is like a town house, very skinny but 3 floors high. The stairs are scary for small kids. We set up a room for Moriah but it is more of a play room, she will sleep in our room. Being new in a country and then being on different levels of a house with bad stairs (she could easily fall through them and it could be fatal) is just not a good idea. However, the aircon in her room is not working, so we might switch her rooms. The only other time I felt overwhelmed was after shopping at Big C, it's like a big Walmart. The day before we had been gone from probably 9am to 9pm and I was so tired. So shopping was tiring. The next morning after shopping we had to be at Shiloh (headquarters for OMF Lopburi / daycare center) by 7:45 in the morning. Jason and I were exhausted! I was very grouchy.
Now it's Saturday afternoon. We had more orientation this morning (Saturday and Sunday are considered work days for us, Monday is our day off). Our first week here we are allowed to skip out on church. This will be good for us so we can catch up on some sleep. So I am excited to get everything out of the suitcase (one more to go- my suitcase!) and tidied up. We also want to figure out our way around Lopburi . The driving is so crazy so it is a little scary riding around with Moriah on the back of Jason's bike!
I've remembered a lot of my Thai. Our Thai friend Nam told me that I speak chat (clearly) so that is encouraging because I did not learn Thai by studying the tones. I learned only to speak in Isaan but I learned by mimicking how they said the word. Now I will be learning the language formally with the tones.
We are so blessed to be here. Our leaders here, Rene and Susanna (Swiss couple) are amazing and have helped us out with so much. We have so much support here, that is very important! I feel that OMF is very very good at supporting their members. This feels so essential as it's our first term together as a family in Thailand.
I feel like there is still so much more to do, but I am trying to go one day at a time. I used to get very very overwhelmed by each day's tasks. I've let a lot of this go, but still have the tendency to want to do EVERYTHING and not enjoy each day as it comes and enjoy the people in it. So I just have to trust that little by little, all will get done. God is so good at teaching us to rest in Him and to let go of the small things. It's just laundry. It's just updating records. It's just email. It will get done in time.
Love in Christ,
Jenn
Monday, June 3, 2013
One of the hardest things
Just got back from a busy and fun weekend! From an all night tournament on Friday night, to Al and Tiff's in Payson on Saturday, to Mtn. View on Sunday morning, hanging with the BERNALS on Sunday, then family and extended family (yeah Barnhart clan!) on Sunday/Monday....it was a packed weekend! It was so fun, we are being blessed with some amazing memories prior to our departure.
Bags need to be all packed...in 2.5 weeks! And almost everything else needs to be done by then. Yikes.
Often times, people will remark at how much we are "sacrificing" as we leave everything behind. I don't know how often I correct anyone or tell them my true feelings, but that is not how I feel. This is our dream! And yes, things have to be left behind. And yes, it is hard to be farther away from family (more on this below), but God is fulfilling a desire in our heart. We are beyond excited, and of course I am nervous too. I feel that whether you live in America or live overseas, LIFE is good and life is hard. Some things will be a lot easier for us on the mission field. Some things will be harder. But life is life, no matter where you go. That is one lesson I learned when I was in Thailand 6 years ago for my study abroad. I am sure we will remain in a "honeymoon phase" in Thailand for a period, and then it will become harder. But the life that Jason and I have experienced together in America has been hard too (and full of blessings, don't get me wrong). So I don't feel that extra praise is needed for "what we're doing" in Thailand. We are fulfilling the dream that God has placed on our hearts, and we hope that every believer does the same, at home or abroad.
As I was driving home, I was messing around mainly with the photos of the cousins that I had taken during the weekend. One of the hardest thing for me personally is Moriah living far away from her cousins. When we watch old videos of them (old, meaning one year ago), Moriah gets this deep, personal, genuine and sweet laugh as she watches her cousins. She will kiss and hug Ayden and Ayden puts up with it! Addy and Moriah have very similar interests and bicker more, but they love each other (otherwise Moriah probably wouldn't talk about her all the time!). So this separation is one of the things that truly weighs on my heart. We met our Hawaiian cousin Kaili for the first time this spring, and it was magical having the girls all play together. And "Cay-bub," her CA cousin is one that she never forgets to talk about. There is such a sweetness when family is together.
All this being said, I am beyond convinced that this love that they have for each other, no matter how far apart they are, will remain. I am so grateful for the family that God has given Jason and I together. I never knew it would be this good!
His grace is sufficient,
-Jenn
Bags need to be all packed...in 2.5 weeks! And almost everything else needs to be done by then. Yikes.
Often times, people will remark at how much we are "sacrificing" as we leave everything behind. I don't know how often I correct anyone or tell them my true feelings, but that is not how I feel. This is our dream! And yes, things have to be left behind. And yes, it is hard to be farther away from family (more on this below), but God is fulfilling a desire in our heart. We are beyond excited, and of course I am nervous too. I feel that whether you live in America or live overseas, LIFE is good and life is hard. Some things will be a lot easier for us on the mission field. Some things will be harder. But life is life, no matter where you go. That is one lesson I learned when I was in Thailand 6 years ago for my study abroad. I am sure we will remain in a "honeymoon phase" in Thailand for a period, and then it will become harder. But the life that Jason and I have experienced together in America has been hard too (and full of blessings, don't get me wrong). So I don't feel that extra praise is needed for "what we're doing" in Thailand. We are fulfilling the dream that God has placed on our hearts, and we hope that every believer does the same, at home or abroad.
As I was driving home, I was messing around mainly with the photos of the cousins that I had taken during the weekend. One of the hardest thing for me personally is Moriah living far away from her cousins. When we watch old videos of them (old, meaning one year ago), Moriah gets this deep, personal, genuine and sweet laugh as she watches her cousins. She will kiss and hug Ayden and Ayden puts up with it! Addy and Moriah have very similar interests and bicker more, but they love each other (otherwise Moriah probably wouldn't talk about her all the time!). So this separation is one of the things that truly weighs on my heart. We met our Hawaiian cousin Kaili for the first time this spring, and it was magical having the girls all play together. And "Cay-bub," her CA cousin is one that she never forgets to talk about. There is such a sweetness when family is together.
All this being said, I am beyond convinced that this love that they have for each other, no matter how far apart they are, will remain. I am so grateful for the family that God has given Jason and I together. I never knew it would be this good!
His grace is sufficient,
-Jenn
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
The Gospel: CHRIST IN YOU
I should be packing. Jason is laboring away at work. Moriah is napping and THIS stuff is just TOO good.
Paul said:
"To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me." (Ephesians 1:27-29, ESV)
CHRIST IN YOU, the HOPE OF GLORY. THIS is the gospel, THIS is the good news. This is what we should proclaim. Paul didn't struggle to proclaim this himself. He drew his energy from HIM. He struggled with HIS energy. When I am trying to live out of my own resources and trust in my own self-sufficiency, I can remember Paul. He drew from Christ, living within him, to be His energy as he proclaimed the message CHRIST IN YOU, the HOPE OF GLORY.
This is TOO good.
Now time for packing.
Paul said:
"To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me." (Ephesians 1:27-29, ESV)
CHRIST IN YOU, the HOPE OF GLORY. THIS is the gospel, THIS is the good news. This is what we should proclaim. Paul didn't struggle to proclaim this himself. He drew his energy from HIM. He struggled with HIS energy. When I am trying to live out of my own resources and trust in my own self-sufficiency, I can remember Paul. He drew from Christ, living within him, to be His energy as he proclaimed the message CHRIST IN YOU, the HOPE OF GLORY.
This is TOO good.
Now time for packing.
Friday, May 24, 2013
His Grace, Power, and Ephraim
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" (2 Corinthians 12:9a, ESV).
The more I start to understand grace, the more grace I have for myself. Paul wanted to be rid of his weakness, and asked that it be taken away. And Jesus spoke to him, that HIS GRACE was sufficient. Jesus seems to know what's best for us. What will draw us to Him for EVERYTHING and remove the obstacle of pride/self-sufficiency. It's pretty amazing to rest in the promise that HE WILL carry out the good work in us that He began!
I have been marking off the days on our calendar with a big X on each one...we have but 4 weeks left in our little town called Ephraim. It has truly been the perfect town for us. God moved us here in His perfect time. THIS is Jason and I's US home. It's where we met, where we got engaged, where we have met some of our lifelong best friends. The support I've felt from our home ministry team has been overwhelming, there is always help when we need it. As eager as I am to move on to the chapter we have been waiting for, I know I will be eager to get back here to be with the Church. We love the body of believers here. We love the messages of grace. God has an incredible sense of humor. I have learned more about God's grace in Utah than in any other state..we are in UTAH. The surrounding and majority religion preaches grace "...after all we can do..." (2 Nephi 25:23, Book of Mormon) which, of course, is not the Bible's take on Grace. In the majority religion here, there is one requirement after the other, you are judged by your worthiness, and have no guarantee of living with the Father after death, it is so sad. Since I have been in Utah, between Park City, Provo, and Ephraim, I have heard more grace preached in Christian churches than I ever have before. It is so exciting that God is allowing the message of grace to flourish here, especially in a state that so badly needs it !
So we are savoring our last days here...and packing it all up. Leaving here will truly be sad, but we will be back!
The more I start to understand grace, the more grace I have for myself. Paul wanted to be rid of his weakness, and asked that it be taken away. And Jesus spoke to him, that HIS GRACE was sufficient. Jesus seems to know what's best for us. What will draw us to Him for EVERYTHING and remove the obstacle of pride/self-sufficiency. It's pretty amazing to rest in the promise that HE WILL carry out the good work in us that He began!
I have been marking off the days on our calendar with a big X on each one...we have but 4 weeks left in our little town called Ephraim. It has truly been the perfect town for us. God moved us here in His perfect time. THIS is Jason and I's US home. It's where we met, where we got engaged, where we have met some of our lifelong best friends. The support I've felt from our home ministry team has been overwhelming, there is always help when we need it. As eager as I am to move on to the chapter we have been waiting for, I know I will be eager to get back here to be with the Church. We love the body of believers here. We love the messages of grace. God has an incredible sense of humor. I have learned more about God's grace in Utah than in any other state..we are in UTAH. The surrounding and majority religion preaches grace "...after all we can do..." (2 Nephi 25:23, Book of Mormon) which, of course, is not the Bible's take on Grace. In the majority religion here, there is one requirement after the other, you are judged by your worthiness, and have no guarantee of living with the Father after death, it is so sad. Since I have been in Utah, between Park City, Provo, and Ephraim, I have heard more grace preached in Christian churches than I ever have before. It is so exciting that God is allowing the message of grace to flourish here, especially in a state that so badly needs it !
So we are savoring our last days here...and packing it all up. Leaving here will truly be sad, but we will be back!
Monday, April 22, 2013
He wants so much more for me...
We were able to go to a Grace Life conference put out by Exchanged Life Ministries (Colorado) in Provo this weekend. WOW.
The only downside is that we were interrupted by different things so neither one of us was able to sit through the whole conference.
The upside - the Truth that was shared. The reminder that God wants so much more for me. Not more religion, more of Jesus. Rather than drawing from my own self-sufficiency, to rely on Jesus for everything. To live the Exchanged Life - His life in mine. When He saved me, He didn't leave me empty. He filled me with Himself.
In my last post, I think I said something about not knowing WHY these annoying circumstances would happen, why the confusion again. One thing I know from then to now: It got my attention. Jesus wants His life expressed in every area and wants me to be FREE.
I'm left feeling and knowing that God wants so much more for me than the trivial, religious pursuits that I let take over my conscience.
HE is so good!
The only downside is that we were interrupted by different things so neither one of us was able to sit through the whole conference.
The upside - the Truth that was shared. The reminder that God wants so much more for me. Not more religion, more of Jesus. Rather than drawing from my own self-sufficiency, to rely on Jesus for everything. To live the Exchanged Life - His life in mine. When He saved me, He didn't leave me empty. He filled me with Himself.
In my last post, I think I said something about not knowing WHY these annoying circumstances would happen, why the confusion again. One thing I know from then to now: It got my attention. Jesus wants His life expressed in every area and wants me to be FREE.
I'm left feeling and knowing that God wants so much more for me than the trivial, religious pursuits that I let take over my conscience.
HE is so good!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
GRACE
About 3 years ago, I went through a terrible time in my life. Basically I was overwhelmed with guilt and I would spend my day trying to "fix" what I had done (or what I thought I had done). I would "fix" something, feel good about myself for awhile and feel right with God, then another guilty thought would come and process would start all over again. Jason pointed out to me that I was being the "source of my own joy." I struggled, mentally, for a good little while. It had all started around the time that I got pregnant. Morning sickness and being overridden with guilt don't mix too well. What it boiled down to, I wasn't secure in God's love for me. I was, in a sense, trying to work for my own salvation, at least work for my own righteousness (woah, that's not easy to admit!). I struggled deeply with perfectionism, and my perfectionism just grew stronger as I gave in to each guilty feeling, trying to ward it away with something that I did.
We had moved back to Utah, and we attended Jason's dad's church Creekside Christian Fellowship in Park City, and week after week, I heard of God's unconditional love for me AND HIS GRACE FOR MY EVERYDAY LIFE. I learned about my NEW IDENTITY in Him. I am sure I had grace preached to me before, but I didn't hear it. Creekside pounds grace, and I needed a grace pounding! Before, I had equated grace with my eternal salvation only, but I thought that in the here and now, I had to do everything I could to say "in favor" with Him, to keep Him happy with me. Andrew Farley, a grace author, explained my false perception of God perfectly: He was the "Swivel Chair God," He was facing me when I was doing "good," then He would swivel around and turn His back on me while I was doing bad. I think for years and years, I feared God. I thought I was losing favor with Him all the time. I was happy about my eternal salvation with Him, but I was bummed about the life I was living on earth. Can you imagine me taking this message to Thailand? There is a reason why I married Jason and that it's taken 6 years to get to the field.
The good news is that I came out of that deep funk. God started lifting those burdens off my shoulders. It was only by His grace that anything changed in me. I remember I was singing praise songs at a church in Heber, Utah, and it was one of the first times that I felt free to worship. No longer was I thinking of the bad things I needed to "fix," I could simply worship Him. For the first time in my life, I've actually been happy.
Life is a journey. And we all go through struggles. I wish I could say that my struggle with perfectionism was just over. I've still struggled with bits of here and there, but not to the extent that I did before. Recently, I had a dream that seemed very true to life. Except, none of it was true. When I woke up that morning, I realized that the dream was totally false and not even something I needed to think about, but I began to worry again over an issue from the past. And it didn't just go away. I felt so defeated. I thought I had conquered (in the large issues) these guilt feelings, this "fix it" attitude. I didn't know why this would re-surface when I thought Jesus had totally lifted those worries from my mind.
I voiced my concern to Jason. Then I voiced it again to him, telling him the details (probably again) of this past issue. The more details I gave him, he said that my concern for it was ridiculous. And he is probably right. I say "probably" because I still struggle with the ideas I have in my head. We sat and talked for awhile, and he prayed for me.
I don't know why I started worrying again. I don't know why God allowed it. I still don't know why I worry about such things when they apparently are so ridiculous! I keep praying that these silly thoughts just go away, and by God's grace, they may. I do know this: God is refining me. His work in me is still not done, He's promised that. There is more that I need to understand about Him, His love, His grace, His forgiveness. This morning, Brother Rodney at Church of the Bible in Ephraim brought out some things that really nailed my heart. I think sometimes we tell Jesus, "I am here to serve You to reach those people" because we think we have it all together, that we don't need any rescuing ourselves. It's those people, not me. Even though I am complete in Jesus, even though my identity is completely in Him, I still NEED JESUS just as much now than ever! I need Him. I need Him to continually rescue me from myself, from the thoughts that are not His.
I am thankful for the body of Christ. I am thankful for Jason, who has point blank told me "that's ridiculous." I am thankful for the believers that have walked along side of me and the ones that God will continue to bring in my life to teach me truth. I am thankful for grace preachers. I am thankful for Jesus, the lover of my soul!
Even though I am frustrated, I am excited to see God work in me. Even if perfectionism is a tendency I continue to struggle with throughout my life, even if God never "cures" me of it, I know that He is working in me for His glory. And THAT I can rejoice in.
I am His TI RAK, His dearly loved one.
-Jenn
We had moved back to Utah, and we attended Jason's dad's church Creekside Christian Fellowship in Park City, and week after week, I heard of God's unconditional love for me AND HIS GRACE FOR MY EVERYDAY LIFE. I learned about my NEW IDENTITY in Him. I am sure I had grace preached to me before, but I didn't hear it. Creekside pounds grace, and I needed a grace pounding! Before, I had equated grace with my eternal salvation only, but I thought that in the here and now, I had to do everything I could to say "in favor" with Him, to keep Him happy with me. Andrew Farley, a grace author, explained my false perception of God perfectly: He was the "Swivel Chair God," He was facing me when I was doing "good," then He would swivel around and turn His back on me while I was doing bad. I think for years and years, I feared God. I thought I was losing favor with Him all the time. I was happy about my eternal salvation with Him, but I was bummed about the life I was living on earth. Can you imagine me taking this message to Thailand? There is a reason why I married Jason and that it's taken 6 years to get to the field.
The good news is that I came out of that deep funk. God started lifting those burdens off my shoulders. It was only by His grace that anything changed in me. I remember I was singing praise songs at a church in Heber, Utah, and it was one of the first times that I felt free to worship. No longer was I thinking of the bad things I needed to "fix," I could simply worship Him. For the first time in my life, I've actually been happy.
Life is a journey. And we all go through struggles. I wish I could say that my struggle with perfectionism was just over. I've still struggled with bits of here and there, but not to the extent that I did before. Recently, I had a dream that seemed very true to life. Except, none of it was true. When I woke up that morning, I realized that the dream was totally false and not even something I needed to think about, but I began to worry again over an issue from the past. And it didn't just go away. I felt so defeated. I thought I had conquered (in the large issues) these guilt feelings, this "fix it" attitude. I didn't know why this would re-surface when I thought Jesus had totally lifted those worries from my mind.
I voiced my concern to Jason. Then I voiced it again to him, telling him the details (probably again) of this past issue. The more details I gave him, he said that my concern for it was ridiculous. And he is probably right. I say "probably" because I still struggle with the ideas I have in my head. We sat and talked for awhile, and he prayed for me.
I don't know why I started worrying again. I don't know why God allowed it. I still don't know why I worry about such things when they apparently are so ridiculous! I keep praying that these silly thoughts just go away, and by God's grace, they may. I do know this: God is refining me. His work in me is still not done, He's promised that. There is more that I need to understand about Him, His love, His grace, His forgiveness. This morning, Brother Rodney at Church of the Bible in Ephraim brought out some things that really nailed my heart. I think sometimes we tell Jesus, "I am here to serve You to reach those people" because we think we have it all together, that we don't need any rescuing ourselves. It's those people, not me. Even though I am complete in Jesus, even though my identity is completely in Him, I still NEED JESUS just as much now than ever! I need Him. I need Him to continually rescue me from myself, from the thoughts that are not His.
I am thankful for the body of Christ. I am thankful for Jason, who has point blank told me "that's ridiculous." I am thankful for the believers that have walked along side of me and the ones that God will continue to bring in my life to teach me truth. I am thankful for grace preachers. I am thankful for Jesus, the lover of my soul!
Even though I am frustrated, I am excited to see God work in me. Even if perfectionism is a tendency I continue to struggle with throughout my life, even if God never "cures" me of it, I know that He is working in me for His glory. And THAT I can rejoice in.
I am His TI RAK, His dearly loved one.
-Jenn
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