Miscarriage + bitterness - Father's peace in the journey

3 months have passed, almost 4 since that really hard time. It was hard, but I was fueled with hope and support.

The funeral has been over for awhile.  For a time, I think life felt somewhat normal again. Plus I had a surgery, I was distracted there.

A good friend of mine then announced that she was pregnant. For some reason, this news broke me. It somehow made life so much harder. After I miscarried I had a new teacher who had just announced she was pregnant. Being in class with her wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. But this new pregnancy, it just brought the sadness on again. This friend has been nothing but great to me and very sensitive to how I might feel. She's been the perfect friend, before and now.  But seeing her belly start to grow...wow, it was so hard not to cry when we come in contact.

This is a different stage in the journey. The good story had gone something like this: My best friend in the States found out she was pregnant (Baby#4), then I found out I was pregnant Baby #3). My due date was 3 days ahead of hers. How perfect! As for friends here in Thailand, we had a friend due in March (Baby #1), then June (Baby #2), then me in September, then later we found out my good friend here was due around November (Baby #5). My closest friends, 5 babies, all about 3 months apart (or possibly sharing a birthday!).

What went wrong? Everything seemed to be in such order! And I FINALLY felt ready to have another baby.

The last couple of weeks I've had a few rollercoaster days. I took a pregnancy test and it showed up negative. This morning I found out that Baby #2 was born via text.  I walked downstairs to see Baby #1's mom and Baby #1 sitting on my former and pregnant teacher's lap. Baby #1's mom asked if I had heard about the birth  of Baby #2.  I held it together and then I left weeping.

Miscarriage, it's such a hard road.  And if you know anything about "normal" patterns and getting pregnant, I don't fit the norm, at all.  Trying to figure all that out and actually following a plan is very stressful. With Moriah we had no plan, we said, "let's just see what happens!" like 2 ignorant 24 year olds. And it's a good thing we did that. 18 months later, she was born.

So after this morning of weeping, I went back to study at school and I just experienced God's peace wash over me as I bowed my head. I have two precious gifts, Jason and Moriah, they are enough and my cup overflows! It is amazing what Father can do in our hearts and minds. He made me see that we 3 are enough, and I could see a vision ahead of how He might use our family of 3 in Sahatsakhan.

There is hope for another one, of course. I do not want to shut out that hope. But I want to live content and not live bitterly. To accept that His plans for my friends' are different than mine. And that is okay and good! And I can be happy in what He's given me.

After I had this peace from the Lord, my attitude instantly changed. I wanted to hold Baby #1. I wanted to start being a supportive friend to Baby mom #5.

I pray I can remember this peace when I feel the sadness and bitterness. To lay my family down at His feet, only He can take care of them, and me, the best!

I really enjoy a part of this Psalm, Psalm 16:5-9 &11 (English Standard Version)

⁵ The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
    you hold my lot.
⁶ The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

⁷ I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
    in the night also my heart instructs me.
⁸ I have set the Lord always before me;
    because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

⁹ Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
    my flesh also dwells secure.

¹¹ You make known to me the path of life;
    in your presence there is fullness of joy;
    at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

2014 Easter Day

2014. In Thailand. It's been up and down.  With being ecstatic about being pregnant, to having horrible morning sickness that made me NOT like Thailand anymore, to miscarrying at 13.5 weeks. God's hand preparing me, leading me through to freedom at the earliest news of it.  The insecurities coming out once again. Perfectionism surfacing.  Yet God doing His work. Bringing me to freedom. God making me brave to face the insecurities that I would have continued to push under the rug.  Can we not say that HE is ALWAYS good?  Oh and the pain remains, and sometimes I let those condemning thoughts come in to my head.  But you know what? HE is giving me reason to push them aside.  To accept that I am completely accepted because of His son. That I can ACCEPT myself as well! This is a new concept for me that I have been learning (the first time I have heard about this is from the Rev Juan Carlos Ortiz).  That I can then live out of the love and forgiveness given to me and put that in the relationships that I have.  It's less worry, because He is in control and I am secure.  Allowing the Holy Spirit to work as I can put my fears aside as I am secure in Him.

I find this year to be good. I find the work that God is doing in me to be good. There is still so much God will change for His glory. But I find myself starting to think in a new way.  Not as someone with all these "inner issues" but rather, how God has changed me, as His new creation, His saint, His daughter. Living in Light, security, freedom.  Not living to a dark mind that condemns and prevents me from stepping out in fear.

I found this JJ Heller video and she mentions perfection in her song.  We were never made for fleshly perfection, we were made for HIS perfection and that is only something HE does in us when we put our faith in Him. We are already perfected, already forgiven. What fears should we really have? None.  But He is still working in me to believe that truth everyday.

I know one thing...without the Resurrection, I would have no hope. He stamped out my certificate of debt. It is all about the Cross and the Resurrection. I have reason to sing in freedom in truth this Easter and every Easter!

JJ Heller's video "Control"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBFfZ3sD1jQ