GRACE

About 3 years ago, I went through a terrible time in my life. Basically I was overwhelmed with guilt and I would spend my day trying to "fix" what I had done (or what I thought I had done). I would "fix" something, feel good about myself for awhile and feel right with God, then another guilty thought would come and process would start all over again.  Jason pointed out to me that I was being the "source of my own joy."  I struggled, mentally, for a good little while. It had all started around the time that I got pregnant.  Morning sickness and being overridden with guilt don't mix too well. What it boiled down to, I wasn't secure in God's love for me. I was, in a sense, trying to work for my own salvation, at least work for my own righteousness (woah, that's not easy to admit!). I struggled deeply with perfectionism, and my perfectionism just grew stronger as I gave in to each guilty feeling, trying to ward it away with something that I did.

We had moved back to Utah, and we attended Jason's dad's church Creekside Christian Fellowship in Park City, and week after week, I heard of God's unconditional love for me AND HIS GRACE FOR MY EVERYDAY LIFE. I learned about my NEW IDENTITY in Him. I am sure I had grace preached to me before, but I didn't hear it.  Creekside pounds grace, and I needed a grace pounding!  Before, I had equated grace with my eternal salvation only, but I thought that in the here and now, I had to do everything I could to say "in favor" with Him, to keep Him happy with me.  Andrew Farley, a grace author, explained my false perception of God perfectly: He was the "Swivel Chair God,"  He was facing me when I was doing "good," then He would swivel around and turn His back on me while I was doing bad.  I think for years and years, I feared God. I thought I was losing favor with Him all the time. I was happy about my eternal salvation with Him, but I was bummed about the life I was living on earth. Can you imagine me taking this message to Thailand?  There is a reason why I married Jason and that it's taken 6 years to get to the field.

The good news is that I came out of that deep funk.  God started lifting those burdens off my shoulders.  It was only by His grace that anything changed in me.  I remember I was singing praise songs at a church in Heber, Utah, and it was one of the first times that I felt free to worship. No longer was I thinking of the bad things I needed to "fix," I could simply worship Him. For the first time in my life, I've actually been happy.

Life is a journey. And we all go through struggles. I wish I could say that my struggle with perfectionism was just over. I've still struggled with bits of here and there, but not to the extent that I did before.  Recently, I had a dream that seemed very true to life. Except, none of it was true.  When I woke up that morning, I realized that the dream was totally false and not even something I needed to think about, but I began to worry again over an issue from the past. And it didn't just go away.  I felt so defeated.  I thought I had conquered (in the large issues) these guilt feelings, this "fix it" attitude.  I didn't know why this would re-surface when I thought Jesus had totally lifted those worries from my mind.

I voiced my concern to Jason. Then I voiced it again to him, telling him the details (probably again) of this past issue. The more details I gave him, he said that my concern for it was ridiculous. And he is probably right. I say "probably" because I still struggle with the ideas I have in my head. We sat and talked for awhile, and he prayed for me.

I don't know why I started worrying again. I don't know why God allowed it.  I still don't know why I worry about such things when they apparently are so ridiculous! I keep praying that these silly thoughts just go away, and by God's grace, they may.  I do know this: God is refining me. His work in me is still not done, He's promised that. There is more that I need to understand about Him, His love, His grace, His forgiveness. This morning, Brother Rodney at Church of the Bible in Ephraim brought out some things that really nailed my heart. I think sometimes we tell Jesus, "I am here to serve You to reach those people" because we think we have it all together, that we don't need any rescuing ourselves. It's those people, not me.  Even though I am complete in Jesus, even though my identity is completely in Him, I still NEED JESUS just as much now than ever!  I need Him. I need Him to continually rescue me from myself, from the thoughts that are not His.

I am thankful for the body of Christ. I am thankful for Jason, who has point blank told me "that's ridiculous." I am thankful for the believers that have walked along side of me and the ones that God will continue to bring in my life to teach me truth. I am thankful for grace preachers. I am thankful for Jesus, the lover of my soul!

Even though I am frustrated, I am excited to see God work in me.  Even if perfectionism is a tendency I continue to struggle with throughout my life, even if God never "cures" me  of it, I know that He is working in me for His glory. And THAT I can rejoice in.

I am His TI RAK, His dearly loved one.

-Jenn