First month - struggling in Thailand

These last couples days in Thailand I’ve been struggling. Struggling to be happy. Letting old fears creep in my heart and mind again. I have not been a fun person to live with. Finding myself crying, thinking, “why I am at this place again?”   Jason has been a pretty steady stream like usual.

We are busy, very busy. The week is busier than I thought.  One of my friends who has been here awhile (Kate) had said that you are just more tired here. And that is true!  I can never take naps in the afternoon, and I have actually taken a few here with Moriah.  NOT normal for me!

Heat. New language. New culture. New everything. New budget, new income, new insurance, new bank, medical worries, have to transfer money back to the US every month, immunizations. More immunizations. Safety worries. New currency. New church (can’t understand much) and one of us has to watch Moriah for the majority of the service (kids all go outside, this is normal). New ways to submit medical claims (very tricky so far).  Need to buy a printer, but no car, when can a friend take us to get one? In these early days, it takes a lot of time to figure out everything. And I am a planner, and I like having things figured out.  I have the advantage of already knowing some Thai, so I haven’t studied as much and I am still ahead in my module.  Different parenting methods here – trying to be sensitive to the culture around but sticking to our guns as far as disciplining Moriah. At the same time feeling like I don’t spend enough time with her and not knowing how to do fun things with her. I have worked out twice in Thailand, yikes! Lopburi is a lot different than Sisaket Province in Isaan, where I was at before. I was used to rice field after rice field, being rural in the country.  Only going in to the city once a week for email.  Now we are living in the city, with no rice fields, and with a ton of modern amenities!   As convenient and nice as this is, sometimes it feels like a different Thailand than what I knew before. And I've come with a family this time vs. as a single, it feels very different.  With all this going on, I’m wondering when can I get out to practice language with Thai people other than ordering food? There’s no time left over!  I know it won’t be this way forever, but at this moment, all the newness is stressful. 

God has placed some girls/women (I guess we are women now, but that term still sounds old) in my life through the years that have just shown me God’s love. They are so filled with His love that it’s easy to see His love in them.  I always think of these girls when I am acting this way, when I am acting cold.  Yet I know God made me, me. With a different personality, tendencies, struggles.  I praise Him for the examples He’s given me though too because they are such refreshers to me! So I’ve thought about these women today, talking to God about how I want to be like them in their joy. I’ve been blessed beyond measure with friends like these.

I have been so encouraged by a book that was given to Moriah. It is called “The Jesus Storybook.”  Basically it tells stories from the Old Testament all the way to Paul.  It shows how even the OT stories are parallels to what Jesus would do.  It’s been amazing for me to read. I’ve learned not only OT stories (which I really didn’t know well before) but I’ve seen how God has worked out his “Secret Rescue Plan” as the book calls it from the beginning of time to now. 

We walked around the “monkey temple” today in Lopburi.  People could offer things to Buddha (I think it was Buddha) at the temple.  I’ve seen in restaurants different idols up on the shelves.  I think to myself, “How confusing! So many different gods to please, I just have 1 !”  And it makes me think about God, how He created the world, His plan for the world, His love for us.  This is the God I want them to know, not some idols that you can manipulate with your offerings.

Flipped to this today:

 “Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word…But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one…May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ.” (2 Thess 2:16-17 and 3:3, 3:5 ESV).

For years I have known that Satan has tried to use fear to hinder me from moving forward.  To sharing the joy I have in Him. To having a mind at peace. This has caused serious setbacks for me in the past (and now).  I have an extremely guilty conscience, so I can have a ton of anxiety over little things.  As much as I hate this part of me, I see the positive side of it to.  That God would say to me, “Trust me” and not trust in myself for righteousness.  To be reminded that again, Jesus IS enough and He is my righteousness.

 

Will you pray for me?  That my mind can agree with Jesus who is living in my spirit that HE is enough? To get over what is not important and not dwell on any mistake of the past?

I recently heard a message that was urging people to get over themselves and start living for Him.  I agreed with the message somewhat. But I realize, we NEED each other. We need the body of believers praying for us. And WE NEED HIM to continue to rescue us from ourselves, from the lies that the enemy is telling us. I believe He is fighting on my behalf, and for all of us. My mind if often in need of rescue, will you please pray for me?   He is faithful. 

“But the Lord is faithful.  He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.”  (2 Thess 3:3, ESV)