2014. In Thailand. It's been up and down. With being ecstatic about being pregnant, to having horrible morning sickness that made me NOT like Thailand anymore, to miscarrying at 13.5 weeks. God's hand preparing me, leading me through to freedom at the earliest news of it. The insecurities coming out once again. Perfectionism surfacing. Yet God doing His work. Bringing me to freedom. God making me brave to face the insecurities that I would have continued to push under the rug. Can we not say that HE is ALWAYS good? Oh and the pain remains, and sometimes I let those condemning thoughts come in to my head. But you know what? HE is giving me reason to push them aside. To accept that I am completely accepted because of His son. That I can ACCEPT myself as well! This is a new concept for me that I have been learning (the first time I have heard about this is from the Rev Juan Carlos Ortiz). That I can then live out of the love and forgiveness given to me and put that in the relationships that I have. It's less worry, because He is in control and I am secure. Allowing the Holy Spirit to work as I can put my fears aside as I am secure in Him.
I find this year to be good. I find the work that God is doing in me to be good. There is still so much God will change for His glory. But I find myself starting to think in a new way. Not as someone with all these "inner issues" but rather, how God has changed me, as His new creation, His saint, His daughter. Living in Light, security, freedom. Not living to a dark mind that condemns and prevents me from stepping out in fear.
I found this JJ Heller video and she mentions perfection in her song. We were never made for fleshly perfection, we were made for HIS perfection and that is only something HE does in us when we put our faith in Him. We are already perfected, already forgiven. What fears should we really have? None. But He is still working in me to believe that truth everyday.
I know one thing...without the Resurrection, I would have no hope. He stamped out my certificate of debt. It is all about the Cross and the Resurrection. I have reason to sing in freedom in truth this Easter and every Easter!
JJ Heller's video "Control"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBFfZ3sD1jQ
